My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
