Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
