I accidentally had phone sex last night
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
