she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
