Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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