I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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