god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
