Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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