I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
