i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I skipped work to stalk him.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
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we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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