sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
