I cannot find my penis.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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