Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
