I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Is it because I queefed?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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