Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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