Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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