I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
