so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
