my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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