tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
