he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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