Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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