Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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