the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
