brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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