Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
