nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
