how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
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I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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