Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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