lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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