never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
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It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
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This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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