i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Say something about gay babies.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
