last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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