my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
