he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
