omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
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the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
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The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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