The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
