Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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