Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
