Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
