WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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