Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
