All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
