he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
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6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
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If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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