at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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