I am midnight drunk by noon
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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