from now on my penis is your penis
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
