i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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