There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
