I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
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