my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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