Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
