My liver just broke up with me...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
