are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
