Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
