Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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