and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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