You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
