I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.