the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
